Table Of Contents

The Charming Innards of This,
The Immaculate Third Issue!

Copyright Page

Rants & Ruminations
By The Editors

I Love Corporate Restaurants
By Tom Oatmeal

The Beasts Of Beauty School
By Tara Rubano

The Underpants Sniffer: Part 2
By Marvin the Masturbating Monkey .....10

The Harsh Cycle Of High School Dating
By Thomas Triplet

Musings From An Amateur Astronomer, Part 1
By Eric Caselton

Calabasas: The Fourth Reich
By Terri Kaufman

Cloaking The Sound, Disguising The Fury
By Rick Paulas

Un Francophile Américain
By James Victor Yeary

Masturbating With Friends: Bonding Experience Or Hidden Homosexual Feelings?
By Leeto

A MySpace Dating Parable
By Barbara Bisset

Judging A Book By Its Cover: Reviewing The Lake House
By Terri Kaufman

8 Non-Professional Album Reviews
By Greg Camphire

Bar In Review: Cha Cha Lounge (Douche Central)
By Viviene Zehr

HORROR-SCOPES
By Mistress Coitus

Janus Gets A Job, A Comic
By Tara Rubano

Ten Ways to Fit in With, Or Freak Out, Your Pre-Teen Child
By Martha Saluap

The Grays And Blues Of My Youth
By Brandon D. Christopher

The Almighty Fucktards
By Us

One Way: The End of It All
By Eric Caselton

Cover Art by Sarah Fernandez

Any well-produced art (sometimes the head picture of the article, sometimes sporadic stuff like the dog below) by Matt Dorsey

(Except, of course, where noted.)

All other shitty art by The Editors

Proofread by El Salvador's own Katia Portillo. She speaks eglish more good than we.