I Love Corporate Restaurants
By Tom Oatmeal
Good Evening. My name is Tom Oatmeal and I love corporate restaurants almost as much as I love sugar. I know everything about corporate restaurants because my Grandma pays my next door neighbor to take me to them all the time. My Grandma likes to take breaks from me and I don’t blame her since all I’ve been doing lately is eating sugar and trying to hammer open this old payphone that I dug out of a creek.
A lot of people think corporate restaurants are making all of the small, family-owned restaurants go out of business. This isn’t true at all. Only hippies and the restaurant owners themselves would believe that nonsense. Even if it were true, here are some reasons why corporate restaurants are better than any other restaurants.
1. If you’re a young, white couple who’s looking to dine with a black or Asian couple, there is no better place to go than a corporate restaurant. This is a great way to show that minorities don’t make you nervous. Corporate restaurants are always so crowded that there’s a good chance you’ll run into someone you know. Even though you constantly tell your friends and coworkers that you’re not a racist, nothing is more effective at hammering that message home than actually being seen with minorities. Your friends will now know for sure that you’re not a racist because come on! Would a racist have dinner with minorities? I don’t think so.
2. Corporate restaurants are extremely safe. They’re usually located in high traffic areas that are well-lit even late at night. Nobody is going to commit a crime anywhere close to a corporate restaurant. This should be comforting to you and your yuppie girlfriend because it means that if for some reason your Asian friends leave early, there is no reason to worry that your black friends will rob you. Not that you think they would, because only a racist would think that, but sometimes feelings of comfort don’t have to be explained. Don’t worry, nobody thinks you’re a racist, but it wouldn’t hurt to use this dinner to talk about how interesting you think Frederick Douglass is…again.
3. Applebee’s will hang your accomplishments on the wall for everyone to see! This is great even if you have no athletic accomplishments whatsoever. It’s fun to celebrate what other people in the community have done. Sometimes, it’s fun to look at the photo of that guy who coached the high school basketball team to a regional championship and pretend that it’s your picture. I mean, you kind of look like him, so what’s the harm? You deserve to feel good about yourself even if it is based on something that is make-believe. Also, wouldn’t it be great if your fucking waitress would just give you that guy’s address and phone number already? I think it would be, but she won’t, which is totally paranoid and stupid because it’s not like you’re going to hurt him. You just want to hang out with him for a few hours and after that you’ll leave.
4. If you have a zany uncle from Italy like I do, there is no better place to take him than The Olive Garden. For Italians, visiting a place like The United States can be extremely overwhelming. When this happens, it is best to help them feel at home so they don’t freak out and do something embarrassing like join an inner-city gang. Luckily, The Olive Garden is a great place to make real Italians feel at home because it’s exactly how things are in Italy. All Italians ever eat is pasta and The Olive Garden serves pasta so basically, I’m just asking you to do the math there.
5. At corporate restaurants, every single waiter and waitress is intelligent, attentive, and attractive. If you don’t believe me, just check out the commercials, which are a direct reflection of reality. When I’m at Chili’s with my parents, I’m always so relieved to know that there is no chance of an uncomfortable scenario where our waiter turns out to be one of my older brother’s high school dropout buddies that used to sell me weed. No chance…at all.
6. Steven Segal will not look for information at a corporate restaurant. When Segal has to go around asking questions about a murder or the possibility of a dirty cop, he’ll go to some seedy bar in a bad part of town. If he ever did show up at the bar in an <
Outback Steakhouse, the bartender would politely tell Segal that the only information he has is in regards to having FUN! This would make Steven loosen the fuck up as opposed to starting some major brawl where everyone at the bar takes turns trying to attack him. He might even sit down and order an appetizer, but I’m not promising that. Steven Segal is such a loose cannon, the police chief is already watching him like a hawk. Segal knows that if he got caught ignoring the investigation to enjoy some boneless buffalo wings, the police chief would have his ass. Investigations cost money and while it is edgy and cool for cops to not play by the rules, it isn’t cool to take extra lunch breaks because the tax-payers end up getting hurt. Even Steven Segal thinks wasting the tax-payers money is a dog shit thing to do.
7. Corporate restaurants always have really fun menus that you can color in with crayons. They also have mazes and word games. This gives you something to do while you’re trying to think of something interesting to say to your date, which is really admirable of you since she’s acting like a total bitch.
8. Corporate restaurants like Islands always make you feel like you’re on vacation because of their elaborate decorations. If you’re like me, then this is great because your mind isn’t complex enough to branch out from the broad idea of “I’m on vacation!”; if it were, you might realize that not only are you not on vacation, you will never be on vacation. You work for a temp agency and therefore, are not awarded paid vacations. Also, keep looking at the poster of that guy surfing because if you look out the window right now, you’ll see that a group of gang-bangers are stealing your Ford Escort.
9. Corporate restaurants like Chevy’s often times will be heavily decorated with plants. This is awesome because it makes you feel like you’re eating outdoors, which is great. In fact, that is why homeless people are so lucky; they get to eat outside all the time. I told a homeless guy that I was jealous of his situation and he responded by asking me if I wanted to buy a plastic comb. I can’t remember if I bought it or not, but the fact that he wanted to change the subject instead of rubbing it in my face was really mature of him. I was going to compliment him on that, but he was too busy peeing on some skinhead’s motorcycle.
10. If you get a margarita from Chili’s, you get to keep the plastic drink mixer! This is awesome because now you don’t even have to leave your house to feel like you’re at a corporate restaurant, which is totally healthy and normal. In fact, with a plastic drink mixer, there is no reason to leave your house ever. You can just barricade yourself in there and pretend you’re at Chili’s instead of doing stupid shit like going to work. Just make sure that you don’t put your gun down on the counter while you’re making drinks because the mental health officials outside will use that opportunity to bust through the window and apprehend you. Oh, and they won’t let you take the plastic mixer with you to the hospital.
Good Evening. My name is Tom Oatmeal and I love corporate restaurants almost as much as I love sugar. I know everything about corporate restaurants because my Grandma pays my next door neighbor to take me to them all the time. My Grandma likes to take breaks from me and I don’t blame her since all I’ve been doing lately is eating sugar and trying to hammer open this old payphone that I dug out of a creek.
A lot of people think corporate restaurants are making all of the small, family-owned restaurants go out of business. This isn’t true at all. Only hippies and the restaurant owners themselves would believe that nonsense. Even if it were true, here are some reasons why corporate restaurants are better than any other restaurants.
1. If you’re a young, white couple who’s looking to dine with a black or Asian couple, there is no better place to go than a corporate restaurant. This is a great way to show that minorities don’t make you nervous. Corporate restaurants are always so crowded that there’s a good chance you’ll run into someone you know. Even though you constantly tell your friends and coworkers that you’re not a racist, nothing is more effective at hammering that message home than actually being seen with minorities. Your friends will now know for sure that you’re not a racist because come on! Would a racist have dinner with minorities? I don’t think so.
2. Corporate restaurants are extremely safe. They’re usually located in high traffic areas that are well-lit even late at night. Nobody is going to commit a crime anywhere close to a corporate restaurant. This should be comforting to you and your yuppie girlfriend because it means that if for some reason your Asian friends leave early, there is no reason to worry that your black friends will rob you. Not that you think they would, because only a racist would think that, but sometimes feelings of comfort don’t have to be explained. Don’t worry, nobody thinks you’re a racist, but it wouldn’t hurt to use this dinner to talk about how interesting you think Frederick Douglass is…again.
3. Applebee’s will hang your accomplishments on the wall for everyone to see! This is great even if you have no athletic accomplishments whatsoever. It’s fun to celebrate what other people in the community have done. Sometimes, it’s fun to look at the photo of that guy who coached the high school basketball team to a regional championship and pretend that it’s your picture. I mean, you kind of look like him, so what’s the harm? You deserve to feel good about yourself even if it is based on something that is make-believe. Also, wouldn’t it be great if your fucking waitress would just give you that guy’s address and phone number already? I think it would be, but she won’t, which is totally paranoid and stupid because it’s not like you’re going to hurt him. You just want to hang out with him for a few hours and after that you’ll leave.
4. If you have a zany uncle from Italy like I do, there is no better place to take him than The Olive Garden. For Italians, visiting a place like The United States can be extremely overwhelming. When this happens, it is best to help them feel at home so they don’t freak out and do something embarrassing like join an inner-city gang. Luckily, The Olive Garden is a great place to make real Italians feel at home because it’s exactly how things are in Italy. All Italians ever eat is pasta and The Olive Garden serves pasta so basically, I’m just asking you to do the math there.
5. At corporate restaurants, every single waiter and waitress is intelligent, attentive, and attractive. If you don’t believe me, just check out the commercials, which are a direct reflection of reality. When I’m at Chili’s with my parents, I’m always so relieved to know that there is no chance of an uncomfortable scenario where our waiter turns out to be one of my older brother’s high school dropout buddies that used to sell me weed. No chance…at all.
6. Steven Segal will not look for information at a corporate restaurant. When Segal has to go around asking questions about a murder or the possibility of a dirty cop, he’ll go to some seedy bar in a bad part of town. If he ever did show up at the bar in an <
Outback Steakhouse, the bartender would politely tell Segal that the only information he has is in regards to having FUN! This would make Steven loosen the fuck up as opposed to starting some major brawl where everyone at the bar takes turns trying to attack him. He might even sit down and order an appetizer, but I’m not promising that. Steven Segal is such a loose cannon, the police chief is already watching him like a hawk. Segal knows that if he got caught ignoring the investigation to enjoy some boneless buffalo wings, the police chief would have his ass. Investigations cost money and while it is edgy and cool for cops to not play by the rules, it isn’t cool to take extra lunch breaks because the tax-payers end up getting hurt. Even Steven Segal thinks wasting the tax-payers money is a dog shit thing to do.7. Corporate restaurants always have really fun menus that you can color in with crayons. They also have mazes and word games. This gives you something to do while you’re trying to think of something interesting to say to your date, which is really admirable of you since she’s acting like a total bitch.
8. Corporate restaurants like Islands always make you feel like you’re on vacation because of their elaborate decorations. If you’re like me, then this is great because your mind isn’t complex enough to branch out from the broad idea of “I’m on vacation!”; if it were, you might realize that not only are you not on vacation, you will never be on vacation. You work for a temp agency and therefore, are not awarded paid vacations. Also, keep looking at the poster of that guy surfing because if you look out the window right now, you’ll see that a group of gang-bangers are stealing your Ford Escort.9. Corporate restaurants like Chevy’s often times will be heavily decorated with plants. This is awesome because it makes you feel like you’re eating outdoors, which is great. In fact, that is why homeless people are so lucky; they get to eat outside all the time. I told a homeless guy that I was jealous of his situation and he responded by asking me if I wanted to buy a plastic comb. I can’t remember if I bought it or not, but the fact that he wanted to change the subject instead of rubbing it in my face was really mature of him. I was going to compliment him on that, but he was too busy peeing on some skinhead’s motorcycle.
10. If you get a margarita from Chili’s, you get to keep the plastic drink mixer! This is awesome because now you don’t even have to leave your house to feel like you’re at a corporate restaurant, which is totally healthy and normal. In fact, with a plastic drink mixer, there is no reason to leave your house ever. You can just barricade yourself in there and pretend you’re at Chili’s instead of doing stupid shit like going to work. Just make sure that you don’t put your gun down on the counter while you’re making drinks because the mental health officials outside will use that opportunity to bust through the window and apprehend you. Oh, and they won’t let you take the plastic mixer with you to the hospital.
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