HORROR-SCOPES
By Mistress Coitus
Aquarius
January 20th – February 18th
When I was 8, I had a friend named Marin. One day while she was over playing, we were standing on opposite sides of the swing-set pushing the swing back and forth. My neighbor Robin walked over to say hi to my Mom and when she did, Marin said to me, “She’s fat!!” Her comment bothered me because I liked Robin, so when the swing swung back my way, instead of pushing it nicely back to her, I threw it at her face. It hit its mark and I ran away seeking solace on my bike. Marin and I were never friends again. When we were in high school, every now and then, she’d yell out to me in the halls, “You threw a swing at my face!”
Lesson learned: If you don’t like someone, let them know, physically.
Pisces
February 19th – March 20th
When I was a toddler, I used to be scared to poop and pee the same time. I was already potty-trained, but for some reason the thought of my vaginal and anal orifices expelling simultaneously led me to suppose that pain was involved. My parent’s solution was to give me anal suppositories followed by a reward, in the form of red candy. I vividly remember sitting on the toilet, and after I let one go, a hand shoved a red-looking rock in my face. I eventually got over my fear, but after years of holding back the urge, I am now constantly constipated.
Lesson learned: Heed nature’s call.
Aries
March 21st - April 19th
One night when I was a kid, I couldn’t sleep. In my boredom I decided to wander downstairs to see what my parents were doing. Not wanting to get caught roaming out of bed, I tip-toed down the stairs and crept around the corner to take a peak. I sat there for a bit not knowing what else to do, when I decided to sneak closer, all of a sudden, I saw a bare butt that seemed to be climbing up and over someone. I gasped and swiftly heard my Mother go, “Don’t come any closer!” I ran back upstairs crying. I thought my Father was hurting my Mother, but when she came back upstairs she told me he was just giving her a massage and rubbing her arm. I knew she was lying because I saw ass, but I decided to believe her bullshit until I finally figured out what sex was, which was later that night when my Dad raped me.
Lesson learned: Don’t cock-block your Dad.
Taurus
April 20th – May 20th
Before I knew what dirty words were, let alone what they meant, I used to affectionately - derogatorily - refer to my sister as a “whore” and “slut”. Although I didn’t know the actual meaning of the words, I knew their negative connotation and felt that my sister qualified for such terms of endearment. One day, my Mother overheard me calling my sister a whore and asked me if I knew what it meant. “No,” I said. “Well it’s kinda like when Mommy gets dressed up in little clothes where you can see my nipples and strange men come over, give me money and we go in my room for a few minutes.” She explained. “It’s how I make money to buy food for you kids and drinks for Daddy.” Once I realized that whores where actually a good thing and helped to bring money into the household, I stopped calling my sister one.
Lesson learned: Whores are good for the family unit.
Gemini
May 21st - June 21st
My friend "Asscrust" was always very gassy. One night I went over to her dorm room to hang out and when I walked in, I was instantly taken aback by a stench. I can’t remember if she blamed it on someone else or if she copped to it early on, but nevertheless we still laugh about it. One day, while hanging out her dorm-room window having a smoke, she felt the urge to fart. She let the air escape her ass and it did, only to be followed by shit. She had what my Mom likes to call a “wet fart” or an “oopsie”. The poop wasn’t much and she was able to clean herself up rather easily, but after that day, she never felt like a real woman again.
Lesson learned: Sometimes a fart isn’t always just a fart.
Cancer
June 22nd – July 22nd
I used to be a lesbian for a few years. I never envisioned myself one and never wanted to be labeled as such, so when I had a girlfriend I referred to her as my “friend”. We worked together, hung out together, and practically lived together. One day I decided I didn’t want to be gay anymore. It wasn’t a matter of liking cock again, I just didn’t like her anymore. I tried to break up with her endless times, but she always cried me back. It was pathetic really. I was too much of a pussy to fully walk away until one day she said to me that she needed someone in her life who made her feel beautiful, or sexy, or some shit like that. She hated the way I treated her enough to let me let her go. Her supplemental reason was that I made her do double penetration five times a day.
Lesson learned: Trying to dump a girl is a pain in the ass.
Leo
July 23rd – August 22nd
When I first moved to LA, I got a job at Starbucks. It sucked. Mostly because I had to wait on bitchy queens – I worked in West Hollywood – and Beverly Hills twats. Occasionally, we’d get crazy homeless people who’d sing maniacally in the store, smoke weed outside, laugh their asses off, or OD. But it wasn’t always fun. At the end of my rope one day, I got into a fight with my supervisor. She was my friend who moved up the ladder faster than I and always chided me for working there when I had a college degree. (Only those without one think they are useful in this world.) Anyway, we yelled, made threats, etc., when in an act of defiance I shouted, “I don’t need this job anymore!” and threw my apron on the ground. I stormed out of the store and tossed all the milk containers on the ground. “You’re such a baby!” she yelled after me. Maybe I was, but I never slung coffee beans again.
Lesson learned: Working retail sucks.
Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd
It took my sister a long time to stop wearing diapers. She didn’t need them so much during the day, but at night she always pissed her pants. My Mom had to start putting plastic on her bed because she got sick of always washing the damn sheets. I took these mornings, as my sister wrung the piss from her clothes, as an opportunity to tease her mercilessly. My Mom would get mad at me because it wasn’t helping my sister get a hold of her bladder problem but eventually she got it under control. One day she was walking home from school when a group of boys attacked her, forcing their prepubescent penis’ in her underdeveloped vagina. After that ordeal, she didn’t piss her pants again. She shat them instead. Tit for tat I guess.
Lesson learned: Sex is the best medicine.
Libra
September 23rd – October 22nd
My Grandmother has been farting in public for as long as I can remember. She doesn’t do it on purpose; she just has no control over her ass. She farts in restaurants, concert halls, the supermarket line, when company’s over, in the car and anywhere else. We don’t mind the anal expulsions. It’s actually kind of funny when someone asks me, “Did your Grandmother just fart?” We always giggle after I say yes. I sort of feel bad for her because it has to be embarrassing to know that your ass, at some point in the day, will start singing a song you want no one to hear. But at this point in her life, I don’t think even she hears it anymore. She used to say, “Oh, excuse me,” when a note escaped, but now, she doesn’t say shit.
Lesson learned: Grandparents are good for a few things, other than birthday money.
Scorpio
October 23rd – November 21st
In elementary school there was this bitch named Tasha. She was one of those tall, pretty blonde girls that were popular and all the boys loved. By “loved” I mean, “tormented”. This was grade school after all. Being the 80’s, the boys would keep their hairbrushes in their back pockets and whenever Tasha would walk by they’d beat her ass and legs with them. They called it flirting, but it looked like domestic violence. Her legs were covered in broken blood vessels and welts. One day the boys decided to elevate their flirting levels by pulling her pants down. Her pink stink exposed to all, she ran crying from the room. She moved away a year later only to come back for middle school. She wasn’t as popular then, but wasn’t a dork either. She just existed in anonymity, except for those of us who saw her vagina.
Lesson learned: There’s a price to pay for popularity.
Sagittarius
November 22nd – December 21st
I have a friend who bombards me all day with IMs informing me of his infidelities. I get to hear about the various sex he’s had with others, the positions, the lack of protection against disease or pregnancies, the drug usage, the shit-storm that would ensue should his girlfriend and the boyfriend of his mistress find out, etc. And after hours of all the drama, all I can think about is one thing: Why doesn’t IM let you commit murder? Has technology not advanced as much as I thought?
Lessoned learned: Computers are archaic pieces of shit.
Capricorn
December 22nd – January 19th
Fuck off.
Lesson learned: Sometimes less is more.
(All pictures courtesy of some nerdy horoscope website that didn’t know we took them.)
Aquarius
January 20th – February 18th
When I was 8, I had a friend named Marin. One day while she was over playing, we were standing on opposite sides of the swing-set pushing the swing back and forth. My neighbor Robin walked over to say hi to my Mom and when she did, Marin said to me, “She’s fat!!” Her comment bothered me because I liked Robin, so when the swing swung back my way, instead of pushing it nicely back to her, I threw it at her face. It hit its mark and I ran away seeking solace on my bike. Marin and I were never friends again. When we were in high school, every now and then, she’d yell out to me in the halls, “You threw a swing at my face!”
Lesson learned: If you don’t like someone, let them know, physically.
PiscesFebruary 19th – March 20th
When I was a toddler, I used to be scared to poop and pee the same time. I was already potty-trained, but for some reason the thought of my vaginal and anal orifices expelling simultaneously led me to suppose that pain was involved. My parent’s solution was to give me anal suppositories followed by a reward, in the form of red candy. I vividly remember sitting on the toilet, and after I let one go, a hand shoved a red-looking rock in my face. I eventually got over my fear, but after years of holding back the urge, I am now constantly constipated.
Lesson learned: Heed nature’s call.
Aries
March 21st - April 19th
One night when I was a kid, I couldn’t sleep. In my boredom I decided to wander downstairs to see what my parents were doing. Not wanting to get caught roaming out of bed, I tip-toed down the stairs and crept around the corner to take a peak. I sat there for a bit not knowing what else to do, when I decided to sneak closer, all of a sudden, I saw a bare butt that seemed to be climbing up and over someone. I gasped and swiftly heard my Mother go, “Don’t come any closer!” I ran back upstairs crying. I thought my Father was hurting my Mother, but when she came back upstairs she told me he was just giving her a massage and rubbing her arm. I knew she was lying because I saw ass, but I decided to believe her bullshit until I finally figured out what sex was, which was later that night when my Dad raped me.
Lesson learned: Don’t cock-block your Dad.
TaurusApril 20th – May 20th
Before I knew what dirty words were, let alone what they meant, I used to affectionately - derogatorily - refer to my sister as a “whore” and “slut”. Although I didn’t know the actual meaning of the words, I knew their negative connotation and felt that my sister qualified for such terms of endearment. One day, my Mother overheard me calling my sister a whore and asked me if I knew what it meant. “No,” I said. “Well it’s kinda like when Mommy gets dressed up in little clothes where you can see my nipples and strange men come over, give me money and we go in my room for a few minutes.” She explained. “It’s how I make money to buy food for you kids and drinks for Daddy.” Once I realized that whores where actually a good thing and helped to bring money into the household, I stopped calling my sister one.
Lesson learned: Whores are good for the family unit.
GeminiMay 21st - June 21st
My friend "Asscrust" was always very gassy. One night I went over to her dorm room to hang out and when I walked in, I was instantly taken aback by a stench. I can’t remember if she blamed it on someone else or if she copped to it early on, but nevertheless we still laugh about it. One day, while hanging out her dorm-room window having a smoke, she felt the urge to fart. She let the air escape her ass and it did, only to be followed by shit. She had what my Mom likes to call a “wet fart” or an “oopsie”. The poop wasn’t much and she was able to clean herself up rather easily, but after that day, she never felt like a real woman again.
Lesson learned: Sometimes a fart isn’t always just a fart.
CancerJune 22nd – July 22nd
I used to be a lesbian for a few years. I never envisioned myself one and never wanted to be labeled as such, so when I had a girlfriend I referred to her as my “friend”. We worked together, hung out together, and practically lived together. One day I decided I didn’t want to be gay anymore. It wasn’t a matter of liking cock again, I just didn’t like her anymore. I tried to break up with her endless times, but she always cried me back. It was pathetic really. I was too much of a pussy to fully walk away until one day she said to me that she needed someone in her life who made her feel beautiful, or sexy, or some shit like that. She hated the way I treated her enough to let me let her go. Her supplemental reason was that I made her do double penetration five times a day.
Lesson learned: Trying to dump a girl is a pain in the ass.
LeoJuly 23rd – August 22nd
When I first moved to LA, I got a job at Starbucks. It sucked. Mostly because I had to wait on bitchy queens – I worked in West Hollywood – and Beverly Hills twats. Occasionally, we’d get crazy homeless people who’d sing maniacally in the store, smoke weed outside, laugh their asses off, or OD. But it wasn’t always fun. At the end of my rope one day, I got into a fight with my supervisor. She was my friend who moved up the ladder faster than I and always chided me for working there when I had a college degree. (Only those without one think they are useful in this world.) Anyway, we yelled, made threats, etc., when in an act of defiance I shouted, “I don’t need this job anymore!” and threw my apron on the ground. I stormed out of the store and tossed all the milk containers on the ground. “You’re such a baby!” she yelled after me. Maybe I was, but I never slung coffee beans again.
Lesson learned: Working retail sucks.
Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd
It took my sister a long time to stop wearing diapers. She didn’t need them so much during the day, but at night she always pissed her pants. My Mom had to start putting plastic on her bed because she got sick of always washing the damn sheets. I took these mornings, as my sister wrung the piss from her clothes, as an opportunity to tease her mercilessly. My Mom would get mad at me because it wasn’t helping my sister get a hold of her bladder problem but eventually she got it under control. One day she was walking home from school when a group of boys attacked her, forcing their prepubescent penis’ in her underdeveloped vagina. After that ordeal, she didn’t piss her pants again. She shat them instead. Tit for tat I guess.
Lesson learned: Sex is the best medicine.
LibraSeptember 23rd – October 22nd
My Grandmother has been farting in public for as long as I can remember. She doesn’t do it on purpose; she just has no control over her ass. She farts in restaurants, concert halls, the supermarket line, when company’s over, in the car and anywhere else. We don’t mind the anal expulsions. It’s actually kind of funny when someone asks me, “Did your Grandmother just fart?” We always giggle after I say yes. I sort of feel bad for her because it has to be embarrassing to know that your ass, at some point in the day, will start singing a song you want no one to hear. But at this point in her life, I don’t think even she hears it anymore. She used to say, “Oh, excuse me,” when a note escaped, but now, she doesn’t say shit.
Lesson learned: Grandparents are good for a few things, other than birthday money.
ScorpioOctober 23rd – November 21st
In elementary school there was this bitch named Tasha. She was one of those tall, pretty blonde girls that were popular and all the boys loved. By “loved” I mean, “tormented”. This was grade school after all. Being the 80’s, the boys would keep their hairbrushes in their back pockets and whenever Tasha would walk by they’d beat her ass and legs with them. They called it flirting, but it looked like domestic violence. Her legs were covered in broken blood vessels and welts. One day the boys decided to elevate their flirting levels by pulling her pants down. Her pink stink exposed to all, she ran crying from the room. She moved away a year later only to come back for middle school. She wasn’t as popular then, but wasn’t a dork either. She just existed in anonymity, except for those of us who saw her vagina.
Lesson learned: There’s a price to pay for popularity.
SagittariusNovember 22nd – December 21st
I have a friend who bombards me all day with IMs informing me of his infidelities. I get to hear about the various sex he’s had with others, the positions, the lack of protection against disease or pregnancies, the drug usage, the shit-storm that would ensue should his girlfriend and the boyfriend of his mistress find out, etc. And after hours of all the drama, all I can think about is one thing: Why doesn’t IM let you commit murder? Has technology not advanced as much as I thought?
Lessoned learned: Computers are archaic pieces of shit.
CapricornDecember 22nd – January 19th
Fuck off.
Lesson learned: Sometimes less is more.
(All pictures courtesy of some nerdy horoscope website that didn’t know we took them.)
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