Rants & Ruminations
By The Editors
I wouldn’t make a good gay man.
It’s not so much the “putting my penis into other guys’ anuses”; with enough lube I’d probably be able to, ahem, get behind that option. And it’s not the more uncomfortable flipside of that gay equation; doctors, porn stars, and some of my sicker friends all insist there’s such a thing as anal pleasure.
It’s not even that men are disgusting beings to begin with, what with all of that hair growing out of seemingly every orifice, odd smells hovering in the bathroom after their departure, and the horror of their sometimes protruding, sometimes limp genitals. And don’t even get me started on those testicles, sista’!
As sick as all of that is, if I were gay I suppose I’d find that somehow endearing. So that’s not why I wouldn’t make a good gay man; it’s all that other stuff that goes with it.
I don’t like to dance. I hate parades (or pride, for that matter). I don’t find leather practical in any situation. I’m not into the latest fashions and trends. The after-itch of a shaven anus is fucking annoying. I don’t like combing my hair. And I find lisps way too comical.
But most importantly, I hate the Cubs.
-Rick
Sometimes I really hate being a woman. I don’t care what people say, it’s a Goddamn hassle.
Yeah I know, if a guy were a woman he’d be playing with himself all the time, staring at his tits, sticking things up his extra orifice, etc. etc., I’ve heard it all before. If you’ve had a penis all your life and one day woke up with a vagina, it’d be entertaining, but if you’ve had one your whole life, the novelty wears off pretty darn fast.
Right now I’m sitting here, blood oozing out my crotch, cramps pulsating, boobs swollen, back aching, and all I can think about is how simple it would be to be a man. All they have to do is jerk off and all is better. Have a bad day? Jerk-off. See a hot girl you want to fuck. but know you never will? Jerk-off. Hate your boss? Imagine you’re fucking her/him up the ass while you jerk-off. Bored? Jerk-off. Hungry? Eat pizza, then jerk-off.
For women it’s much harder. We have to analyze each situation, call our friends, hold meetings, write long e-mails, letters, soliloquies, ponder the meaning of it all, read, research, cry, scream, shout, yell at our friends, spouses, pets, children, turn our backs on God, etc. But men? All they have to do is jerk-off. Fuck them.
-Tara
I wouldn’t make a good gay man.
It’s not so much the “putting my penis into other guys’ anuses”; with enough lube I’d probably be able to, ahem, get behind that option. And it’s not the more uncomfortable flipside of that gay equation; doctors, porn stars, and some of my sicker friends all insist there’s such a thing as anal pleasure.
It’s not even that men are disgusting beings to begin with, what with all of that hair growing out of seemingly every orifice, odd smells hovering in the bathroom after their departure, and the horror of their sometimes protruding, sometimes limp genitals. And don’t even get me started on those testicles, sista’!
As sick as all of that is, if I were gay I suppose I’d find that somehow endearing. So that’s not why I wouldn’t make a good gay man; it’s all that other stuff that goes with it.
I don’t like to dance. I hate parades (or pride, for that matter). I don’t find leather practical in any situation. I’m not into the latest fashions and trends. The after-itch of a shaven anus is fucking annoying. I don’t like combing my hair. And I find lisps way too comical.
But most importantly, I hate the Cubs.
-Rick
----------
Sometimes I really hate being a woman. I don’t care what people say, it’s a Goddamn hassle.
Yeah I know, if a guy were a woman he’d be playing with himself all the time, staring at his tits, sticking things up his extra orifice, etc. etc., I’ve heard it all before. If you’ve had a penis all your life and one day woke up with a vagina, it’d be entertaining, but if you’ve had one your whole life, the novelty wears off pretty darn fast.
Right now I’m sitting here, blood oozing out my crotch, cramps pulsating, boobs swollen, back aching, and all I can think about is how simple it would be to be a man. All they have to do is jerk off and all is better. Have a bad day? Jerk-off. See a hot girl you want to fuck. but know you never will? Jerk-off. Hate your boss? Imagine you’re fucking her/him up the ass while you jerk-off. Bored? Jerk-off. Hungry? Eat pizza, then jerk-off.
For women it’s much harder. We have to analyze each situation, call our friends, hold meetings, write long e-mails, letters, soliloquies, ponder the meaning of it all, read, research, cry, scream, shout, yell at our friends, spouses, pets, children, turn our backs on God, etc. But men? All they have to do is jerk-off. Fuck them.
-Tara
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