The Almighty Fucktards
Who Have Been Gracious Enough To Willingly Open, Ever So Briefly, The Portals Into Their Strange Filthy Minds Before Closing Them Forever To Protect All That Is Holy And Good, Allowing Society To Exist For Another Millennia
Barbara Bisset is the owner or co-owner of 24 blogs, 20 of which publish Three's Company fan fiction. For some reason, all of Bisset's own entries conclude with that episode's landlord (either Roper or Furley) ejaculating on Larry while screaming, "Come and knock on my door!"
Greg Camphire has been studying the fable of The Tortoise and the Hare for the past 70 years. Although he's written 12 books on the topic, if you get him drunk he'll tell you that, in all honesty, he's no closer to discovering the fable's symbolic solution than when he started. He will then sob thinking about his wasted life, at which point you can steal the rest of his beer.
Eric Caselton wants to be the President of the United States of America when he grows up. Although we should let him know that he's already a grown up, with the odds of being President lessening with each daily anti-American rant, we still like to humor him by feeding him bullshit about being able to accomplish anything as long as he puts his mind to it. We enjoy observing dreams being crushed.
Brandon D. Christopher spends 4-to-6 hours a day creating fake MySpace profiles, claiming to be “the real Paris Hilton”. While he tells his friends the only reason he does it is to give simple society a piece of their own medicine, there’s 5 gigs worth of male-genital photos on his hard drive to suggest an ulterior motive.
Matt Dorsey is America's leading expert on friendships. After years of researching the topic, he's come to the conclusion that they are "pretty good; unless your friends kill you."
Sarah Fernandez is one of 7.8 million Fernandezes currently residing in Los Angeles County. What makes her unique, however, is her complete understanding of quantum physics and being born with four vaginas.
Terri Kauffman is currently working on coining the next catch phrase. Her recent failures include "What's the goiter doing there?", "Will suck cock for cock", "Four score and seven beers ago!" and "Periodic Tables are for pussies!"
Leeto is neato by anyone's standard, abortionists and family planning clinic bombers alike.
Marvin the Masturbating Monkey spends three hours a day sticking needles in voodoo dolls made to represent his parents as retribution for bestowing upon him such a horrible name. Marvin hates alliteration.
Tom Oatmeal can animate oatmeal with his mind, hence the last name. He has been using his superhuman ability to defend the citizens of Forest City, Iowa (population 4300) for the past four years. Eventually, he hopes to use the line, "Now that's what I call a sticky situation!"
Martha Saluap owns the most extensive collection of toilet seat covers in the world. Unlike comic books and toy figurines, toilet seat covers are more valuable if they've actually been used in the real world. Mint condition is spending a year or more in an airport bathroom. As such, Meghan's apartment smells like Tara Rubano.
Rick Paulas is known for showing his testicles off to pretty much anyone that will look at them. Although it might seem like a drunken version of slapstick comedy, it's really just his own personal way of thanking Dr. Harry Traverse, who performed his sex change operation in 1987.
Tara Rubano has been trying to rent her womb out to unlucky couples for past 14 years now, but so far has been unsuccessful. Tara figures this has more to do with the high occurrence of severe mental retardation in her family history, and less to do with her own personal handicap: constantly smelling like an anal gangbang.
Thomas Triplet, after spending years and years reading everything that Charles Dickens had ever written, is deeply devastated that there isn’t a character named after him. Odds are this profound disaster will cause Thomas to take his frustration out on 6-to-10 of his worst “bitches”, who will be walking comically bow-legged for the next week.
James Victor Yeary is deathly afraid of the phrase “I’ll dip my balls in it” mainly because it reminds him of a horrible accident he suffered back in ’69. He was in Vietnam, not serving his country, but taking the opportunity to pick up all the loose Vietnamese bitches whose families were murdered, homes destroyed. He figured they’d be vulnerable and let him stick his pecker in them. They did, but one had a grenade in hers and when his penis entered all hell broke lose. He lost his balls and his wiener was charred. No more ball dipping for this eunuch.
Viviene Zehr has never met a penis she disagreed with. But that’s mostly because she adheres to the basic rule of never discussing religion or politics with them.
Barbara Bisset is the owner or co-owner of 24 blogs, 20 of which publish Three's Company fan fiction. For some reason, all of Bisset's own entries conclude with that episode's landlord (either Roper or Furley) ejaculating on Larry while screaming, "Come and knock on my door!"
Greg Camphire has been studying the fable of The Tortoise and the Hare for the past 70 years. Although he's written 12 books on the topic, if you get him drunk he'll tell you that, in all honesty, he's no closer to discovering the fable's symbolic solution than when he started. He will then sob thinking about his wasted life, at which point you can steal the rest of his beer.
Eric Caselton wants to be the President of the United States of America when he grows up. Although we should let him know that he's already a grown up, with the odds of being President lessening with each daily anti-American rant, we still like to humor him by feeding him bullshit about being able to accomplish anything as long as he puts his mind to it. We enjoy observing dreams being crushed.
Brandon D. Christopher spends 4-to-6 hours a day creating fake MySpace profiles, claiming to be “the real Paris Hilton”. While he tells his friends the only reason he does it is to give simple society a piece of their own medicine, there’s 5 gigs worth of male-genital photos on his hard drive to suggest an ulterior motive.
Matt Dorsey is America's leading expert on friendships. After years of researching the topic, he's come to the conclusion that they are "pretty good; unless your friends kill you."
Sarah Fernandez is one of 7.8 million Fernandezes currently residing in Los Angeles County. What makes her unique, however, is her complete understanding of quantum physics and being born with four vaginas.
Terri Kauffman is currently working on coining the next catch phrase. Her recent failures include "What's the goiter doing there?", "Will suck cock for cock", "Four score and seven beers ago!" and "Periodic Tables are for pussies!"
Leeto is neato by anyone's standard, abortionists and family planning clinic bombers alike.
Marvin the Masturbating Monkey spends three hours a day sticking needles in voodoo dolls made to represent his parents as retribution for bestowing upon him such a horrible name. Marvin hates alliteration.
Tom Oatmeal can animate oatmeal with his mind, hence the last name. He has been using his superhuman ability to defend the citizens of Forest City, Iowa (population 4300) for the past four years. Eventually, he hopes to use the line, "Now that's what I call a sticky situation!"
Martha Saluap owns the most extensive collection of toilet seat covers in the world. Unlike comic books and toy figurines, toilet seat covers are more valuable if they've actually been used in the real world. Mint condition is spending a year or more in an airport bathroom. As such, Meghan's apartment smells like Tara Rubano.
Rick Paulas is known for showing his testicles off to pretty much anyone that will look at them. Although it might seem like a drunken version of slapstick comedy, it's really just his own personal way of thanking Dr. Harry Traverse, who performed his sex change operation in 1987.
Tara Rubano has been trying to rent her womb out to unlucky couples for past 14 years now, but so far has been unsuccessful. Tara figures this has more to do with the high occurrence of severe mental retardation in her family history, and less to do with her own personal handicap: constantly smelling like an anal gangbang.
Thomas Triplet, after spending years and years reading everything that Charles Dickens had ever written, is deeply devastated that there isn’t a character named after him. Odds are this profound disaster will cause Thomas to take his frustration out on 6-to-10 of his worst “bitches”, who will be walking comically bow-legged for the next week.
James Victor Yeary is deathly afraid of the phrase “I’ll dip my balls in it” mainly because it reminds him of a horrible accident he suffered back in ’69. He was in Vietnam, not serving his country, but taking the opportunity to pick up all the loose Vietnamese bitches whose families were murdered, homes destroyed. He figured they’d be vulnerable and let him stick his pecker in them. They did, but one had a grenade in hers and when his penis entered all hell broke lose. He lost his balls and his wiener was charred. No more ball dipping for this eunuch.
Viviene Zehr has never met a penis she disagreed with. But that’s mostly because she adheres to the basic rule of never discussing religion or politics with them.
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