Musings From An Amateur Astronomer, Part 1
By Eric Caselton
Does size really matter?
The Universe is big; really, really big. Galaxies are so far apart that they appear as tiny points of light in our most powerful telescopes. And distances between the stars in our own galaxy are so great, that it would take thousands of years for our fastest space craft to reach them. These mind-boggling distances make interstellar travel seem impossible. The Universe is just too big to explore. But does size really matter? Some astronomers say no. After all, the smallest particles we can observe (atoms) still contain enormous power and complexity. At least that’s what I try to convince a woman when going out on a first date.
Great big holes
Most women agree that intelligence makes a man sexy. That’s why whenever I get the opportunity to spend some time with a beautiful woman, I try to impress her with the sophisticated ideas about our Universe. I like to talk about wormholes and folds in the space-time continuum. Wormholes are fun to talk about, because we astronomers equate them with the vagina: they’re extremely difficult to find, and usually very far away. Other astronomers prefer to study black holes, but that’s another story.
Feels like the first time
Theoretically, finding the elusive wormhole is the only way to travel great distances in outer space. It’s kind of like a shortcut between different areas of the Universe. So when searching for one, I like to think that they’ll make the size issue irrelevant, showing everyone that no matter how small we are, we can still do some pretty awesome things. (I may be small, but I can still take you to the stars.) If I could only get into one of those holes, I would most likely come to one of those planets very fast, reaching distant places in the Universe in a matter of minutes or even seconds.
Speed is relative
Light travels at over 186,000 miles per second. It takes about six minutes for the light from the sun to reach the Earth. If I could take a date on a spacecraft traveling at light speed to the sun, there would be just enough time for sex. But what if I wanted to take my date to someplace outside our solar system? Even at light speed, it would take longer than I could make the entire relationship last. (The most distant known planet in our solar system, Pluto, is over five light-hours away.) Unfortunately, the fastest spacecraft ever launched, called the New Horizons, will take over nine years to reach Pluto. It travels at about 10 miles per second. (Light: Five hours to Pluto. Mankind: Nine years to Pluto. Me: Six minutes at best.)
How far is my astronaut?
New Horizons is unmanned, but what about a spaceship for people? Well, that’s another story, seeing as that we haven’t even been able to send a manned spacecraft any farther then the moon. (I’ve had trouble sending my manned spacecraft any farther than my computer screen.) So, how far can we hope to send an astronaut in the near future? The best hope right now is our closest planetary neighbor, namely Mars. But it took almost seven months for the unmanned spacecraft carrying the Mars rover “Spirit”, to get there. It’s amazing to me that the Mars rover went all the way, let alone in a mere seven months! (It took me 25 years.)
Sex and gravity
If we could build a spacecraft capable of transporting people to Mars and back, it would be a journey of about eighteen months. But could an astronaut survive an eighteen-month journey in outer space? Even if we could pack the spacecraft with enough fresh food, water, oxygen and porn for the trip, they’d still have to overcome the deterioration of muscle mass, which is inevitable in a long-term anti-gravity environment. By the time they got back to Earth, they’d be too weak to survive Earth’s gravity. In order to survive getting home, they’d have to exercise constantly, and since good sex is still the best work out, it’s unlikely that a qualified scientist could get enough exercise to stay in shape.
The Universe is big; really, really big. Galaxies are so far apart that they appear as tiny points of light in our most powerful telescopes. And distances between the stars in our own galaxy are so great, that it would take thousands of years for our fastest space craft to reach them. These mind-boggling distances make interstellar travel seem impossible. The Universe is just too big to explore. But does size really matter? Some astronomers say no. After all, the smallest particles we can observe (atoms) still contain enormous power and complexity. At least that’s what I try to convince a woman when going out on a first date.
Great big holes
Most women agree that intelligence makes a man sexy. That’s why whenever I get the opportunity to spend some time with a beautiful woman, I try to impress her with the sophisticated ideas about our Universe. I like to talk about wormholes and folds in the space-time continuum. Wormholes are fun to talk about, because we astronomers equate them with the vagina: they’re extremely difficult to find, and usually very far away. Other astronomers prefer to study black holes, but that’s another story.
Feels like the first time
Theoretically, finding the elusive wormhole is the only way to travel great distances in outer space. It’s kind of like a shortcut between different areas of the Universe. So when searching for one, I like to think that they’ll make the size issue irrelevant, showing everyone that no matter how small we are, we can still do some pretty awesome things. (I may be small, but I can still take you to the stars.) If I could only get into one of those holes, I would most likely come to one of those planets very fast, reaching distant places in the Universe in a matter of minutes or even seconds.
Speed is relative
Light travels at over 186,000 miles per second. It takes about six minutes for the light from the sun to reach the Earth. If I could take a date on a spacecraft traveling at light speed to the sun, there would be just enough time for sex. But what if I wanted to take my date to someplace outside our solar system? Even at light speed, it would take longer than I could make the entire relationship last. (The most distant known planet in our solar system, Pluto, is over five light-hours away.) Unfortunately, the fastest spacecraft ever launched, called the New Horizons, will take over nine years to reach Pluto. It travels at about 10 miles per second. (Light: Five hours to Pluto. Mankind: Nine years to Pluto. Me: Six minutes at best.)
How far is my astronaut?
New Horizons is unmanned, but what about a spaceship for people? Well, that’s another story, seeing as that we haven’t even been able to send a manned spacecraft any farther then the moon. (I’ve had trouble sending my manned spacecraft any farther than my computer screen.) So, how far can we hope to send an astronaut in the near future? The best hope right now is our closest planetary neighbor, namely Mars. But it took almost seven months for the unmanned spacecraft carrying the Mars rover “Spirit”, to get there. It’s amazing to me that the Mars rover went all the way, let alone in a mere seven months! (It took me 25 years.)
Sex and gravity
If we could build a spacecraft capable of transporting people to Mars and back, it would be a journey of about eighteen months. But could an astronaut survive an eighteen-month journey in outer space? Even if we could pack the spacecraft with enough fresh food, water, oxygen and porn for the trip, they’d still have to overcome the deterioration of muscle mass, which is inevitable in a long-term anti-gravity environment. By the time they got back to Earth, they’d be too weak to survive Earth’s gravity. In order to survive getting home, they’d have to exercise constantly, and since good sex is still the best work out, it’s unlikely that a qualified scientist could get enough exercise to stay in shape.
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